I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
