can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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