i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
