how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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