first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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