so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
