There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
