He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do herpes really smell.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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