at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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