"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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