i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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