I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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