Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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