Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
