You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
do herpes really smell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
