Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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