Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
