we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
