1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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