history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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