I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
