I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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