Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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