At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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