You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
