when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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