I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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