Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
