what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize