I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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