I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
