We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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