CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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