Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
