we have officially lost it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
