if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
