My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
