1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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