I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
