I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
