So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
