I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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