never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm passing your future prison.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
