You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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