Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
