so explain again why im purple
no
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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