he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
