I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
