I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
