I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize