I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
