we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
