my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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