is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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