i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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