Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think a kid would responsible me up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
