I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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