OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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