birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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