It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
