My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
