i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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