my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
