God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
