we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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