we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
