Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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