i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
